UNTITLED SCRIPT SERIES - EPISODE TEN

A WOMAN FOR ALL REASONS

BY PAUL CHANDLER AND NICK GOODMAN

EPISODE TEN: BAITED BREATH...

BY NICK GOODMAN

MAIN CHARACTERS

MATTHEW - AN ASSISTANT LIBRARIAN

BOB - A DEPUTY THEATRE MANAGER

DEBS - BOB'S WIFE

AUNTIE ALICE - DEB'S AUNT

EMILY - SENIOR LIBRARY CLERK

KIRSTEN - LIBRARY CLERK

OTHER CHARACTERS - TO BE UPDATED SOON 

THE STORY SO FAR:

MATT IS TRYING TO HELP HIS BEST FRIEND, BOB, THROUGH A WRITER'S BLOCK - INVOLVING HIM IN A LOCAL MYSTERY INVOLVING AN INHABITANT WHO APPEARS TO BE OVER-150 YEARS OLD... THEY BEGIN TO PIECE TOGETHER A NUMBER OF CLUES BY SPEAKING TO A RATHER ECCENTRIC LIBRARIAN CALLED EMILY - MEANWHILE, BOB'S WIFE - DEBS - ISN'T COPING SO WELL WITH HER HUSBAND GALLIVANTING AROUND THE TOWN AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT AND SHE HAS CONFIDED HER CONCERNS TO HER TRUSTY AUNT ALICE... MUCH TO DEBS'S DISMAY ALICE TAKES A FAR DEEPER INTEREST IN THE WHOLE MATTER THAN HAD BEEN EXPECTED - TRACING BOB AND MATT'S FOOTSTEPS TO TRY AND DISCOVER WHAT EXACTLY THEY HAVE BEEN UP TO!

SC.29. LIBRARY – NEVILLE’S OFFICE. DAY

(Emily sits in Neville’s office using his computer. She has a head set on and before her on the screen is an elaborate layer of applications including a POV video of Bob and Matt from a distance in the car park. Another is a list of people on an online chat room. The office door is ajar but not closed)

EMILY: (Into the headset) Well at least we know where to find them. Well done, your Honour.

MARQUIS OF HAMILTON: (VO) Do I go any nearer?

EMILY: No, I know where they’ll go. I have this show up on Neville’s PC.

MARQUIS: (VO) Make sure you close it down before Neville comes back or its both of us in the shit.

EMILY: That vacuous nerd wouldn’t know what’s on his computer.

MARQUIS: (VO) Where are they going anyway?

EMILY: A radio show. No prizes for guessing why! I happen to know the show; they’ve interviewed me in the past. Small-time boring hospital job. But tonight – the world is listening!!

MARQUIS: (VO) Why don’t we just tune in and learn the truth?

EMILY: I will be tuning in. but you and I know it won’t be the whole story. But it would be useful to know how far they have got.

MARQUIS: (VO) Why are they on there then?

EMILY: They want info from other people. We must know what other people are getting from this.

MARQUIS (VO) I’d rather not know! Can I go home?

EMILY: How did you ever get the nerve to make porn. You’re like a jittery child!

MARQUIS: (VO) So would you be if you stuck in it as far as me!

EMILY: I am. The only difference is I enjoy it.

[Clicking on Google] I’ve located where Bob and the girl live.

MARQUIS: (VO) What of it?

EMILY: They’ve all been home since last night. Unpacking. Downloading. The message, your Honour. The one the police failed to get out of that phone.

MARQUIS: (VO) Oh no!

EMILY: Just this one thing. Then home. And a piece of the glory I promise.

MARQUIS: (VO) Listen that’s breaking and entering. I can’t afford to be seen.

EMILY: Oh wear a disguise, your nobility!

[The door creaks open and Kirsten enters. Emily immediately collapses her screen and expands a list of books with tick boxes next to them]

Kirsten! Don’t you ever knock?

[Kirsten has changed slightly. Her cocky, weary indifferent attitude is replaced with a worried, contrite demeanour]

KIRSTEN: Sorry, the door was open. Where’s Neville?

EMILY: Regional meeting. He’ll be back by five. What do you want?

KIRSTEN: Er .. i just came in to sign for my overtime.

EMILY: Couldn’t it wait until tomorrow when you’re in?

KIRSTEN: Neville insisted today otherwise it’s too late.

EMILY: [Grumpily] He would. Hold on.

[With bad grace, Emily moves to the desk alongside the computer and searches through drawers with increasing frustration. Kirsten’s eyes stare at the computer screen. A low rumble of a distant radio show is heard]

KIRSTEN: Emily, I am sorry about last night. I was so tired. I realise there are things I can’t get involved with.

EMILY: [Without looking up] Some are born to greatness, others have greatness thrust upon them. Others just say ‘Err?’ You’ll learn. It’s academic anyway. The whole Walsh thing is a con.

KIRSTEN: [Softly] I hope so.

[Emily slaps the overtime sheet down. Kirsten picks up a pen and signs along the line]

EMILY: I shan’t be in tomorrow. The boiler is being disembowelled. I want you to concentrate on ‘Foreign Travel’. It’s a shambles.

KIRSTEN: Sure. I’ll be off.

EMILY: Okay. See you Monday. And close the door. If Tatum needs help she can call one of those muppets from Registration.

[Kirsten closes the door but, on the other side, she lingers, looking around. All is quiet. A girl is processing a customer’s printing. The customer is busy on her phone. Kirsten puts an ear to the door as discreetly as she can]

EMILY: [Back on headset] Sorry I was interrupted.

MARQUIS: [VO] Who by?

EMILY: Someone you really don’t want to meet.

MARQUIS: [VO] Who’s that?

EMILY: Kirsten. Your former star.

MARQUIS: [VO] The stroppy kid..

EMILY: You didn’t hire her for her sweet temperament.

MARQUIS: [VO] Did she hear you?

EMILY: You flatter yourself. You think she would recognise your voice after all this time?

MARQUIS: [VO] Well….

EMILY: Look, no more talk. I need to record that show. You need to get round to Deb and Bob’s house. I’ll text you the address.

MARQUIS: [VO] What am I doing there?

EMILY: Get in there. The message that old barm pot Alice recorded. It must have been downloaded at some point. If you can’t find anything in writing, nab the computer.

MARQUIS: [VO] On my own???

EMILY: Think! Improvise! You are a film maker, for Heaven’s sake!

MARQUIS: I am inspired by the naked form. Bums, boobs. Not burglary!

EMILY: Then imagine this house is a model you are undressing very slowly. Rip its clothes off and find what you’re looking form. Get gone. Report back soon.

[Emily clicks off]

Toffs!! One-bloody-track mind.

[Emily closes the POV application and enlarges one with a radio icon. She also clicks up one with a digital sound recorder, adjusts the settings and begins recording]

Now, let’s see what the boys know!

[By now Kirsten has glimpsed the scene through a crack in the door. She looks anxious. She quickly searches Emily’s reception desk . She looks through a book of addresses. She writes an address on the back of her hand then leaves quickly]

SC.30. RADIO STATION STUDIO. DAY.

[Bob and Matt sit in the Studio guest seats opposite Tim who is on air. Behind a glass panel, overlooking proceedings, is Pam watching the scene with increasing aggravation]

TIM: [In presenter mode] And there will be some more travel news at 3 o clock. But time now to meet my guests of the afternoon. Two gentlemen who are actually old friends of mine. We were at college together studying film making. That was 20 years ago, this is now. They don’t look any older. Will you please welcome Matt Lincoln and Bob Tully.

[Canned applause]

Guys, it’s so good to see you, how have you been keeping?

MATT: Bit tired at the moment Tim but then we’ve had an eventful couple of days.

TIM: So I heard. Some of which you can share with us this afternoon. Some, I understand, you can’t - for legal reasons.

BOB: Well we’re not sure you’ll believe us. Also there are a lot of names involved in our story. Some people might link up with others and – it could get nasty!

MATT: [Cagily, eyeing the glaring Pam in the control room] Well we shall see how we go.

TIM: Now stories are something you lads had a passion for, even back in the day. You always had some writing on the go. I was convinced you were going to be a kind of dual JK Rowling.

MATT: Aww well…

BOB: I’ve had writer’s block for ages now. So Matt- my loyal mate here – said lets go on a ..well…

TIM: A bear hunt?

BOB: An anything hunt. Let’s fall in love with writing again. Let’s get stuck in.

MATT: So we went to the library. I had a tip off.

[Pam furiously grabs a phone, dials and is seen speaking soundlessly to someone]

TIM: Now as I remember you were always writing science fiction stories. Am I right?

BOB: Love all that stuff. We so wanted to make it big.

MATT: But what we are uncovering - slowly but surely - might top any alien invasion!

BOB: So it all started with the local library.

MATT: Somewhere out there is a lady we need to find...

TIM: Tell me about it!

[Behind the glass, Pam slams the phone down and contemplates the controls before her. She fiddles with them]

BOB: Everyone is looking for this woman. She is very influential with a fascinating background.

MATT: She is tying the country in knots. It’s gone viral…

[The lights go out and the power is cut. Behind the glass, Pam straightens with a look of satisfaction]

TIM: I’m sorry about this. I'm not sure what's going on - everything’s suddenly gone kaput.

MATT: Rather suspicious if you ask me. Just as we were getting in our stride.

TIM: Oh come on lads.

BOB: Matt’s right. Someone wants us to shush.

TIM: The question is can I …wait a minute.

[Tim pulls out an extension lead and fiddles under the desk. He then takes the lead and plugs it into a control panel on the other side of the room. He laughs in triumph as the lights and power return]

[To Bob and Matt] I didn’t tell you the other course I took when we were at the old place, Electrical engineering!

[Behind the glass, Pam looks in disbelief and then slumps, head in hands]

[Tim presses the red ’Live’ button]

TIM: [To microphone] Ladies and gentlemen, I can only apologise for the hiccup. We’re back!

[To Bob and Matt] Boys, you were saying?

MATT: I’m saying about Miss Walsh. Local pillar of society. A long time ago...

BOB: What we don’t know is what happened to her. For some reason a lot of people want to stop us from finding out.

[Tim looks across his controls as a red incoming call light flashes]

TIM: Well, you know I gave your story a great deal of thought. I felt it might be useful if we got some input from our listeners. From out there in the ether as it were.

[Bob and Matt exchange uneasy looks]

BOB: Oooookay, what kind of input?

TIM: We have someone on the line who tells me they can shed a little light on your mission.

MATT: Tim, you mean you told the listeners about our mission before the show???

TIM: [Genuinely bemused] I gave them a bit of a hint yes.

MATT: [To Bob] I bloody well knew this was a mistake!!

TIM: [A mite uneasy how things are turning] Well, we have our caller on the line now. Hello caller, would you like to tell us a little about yourself.

[The voice is elderly, firm and female]

VOICE: Good afternoon boys. I’m delighted to be speaking to you at last. Or at least having a two way conversation. My name is Constance Walsh.

[All look stunned]

SC.31. BOB AND DEB’S LOUNGE. DAY.

(The Front door opens onto the lounge and in staggers Debs and Alice. Between them is a weary CB, dressed in a Groucho Marx rubber mask with handcuffs dangling from his wrist. All breathe a sigh]

DEBS: [To CB] Well, you had us round to yours, the least we could do is return the compliment.

CB: Does that count? You weren’t invited.

ALICE: We’ll call it quits. You did arrange a cosy chat with the police for us.

CB: Yes, sorry about that, Gran. That was Emily stirring things up. I was on "Planet Zog"; a radio channel for her Walshship.

DEBS: [Taking her coat off] Well at least we got the message. CB, do take that mask off. You’re safe now.

CB: [Peeling mask off] I am?

ALICE: No one has penetrated our safe haven yet.

DEBS: Auntie, that almost sounded obscene.

ALICE: [To CB] Would you like a cup of tea, dear?

CB: Just a glass of water please.

[Alice leaves the room to fetch some water]

DEBS: [To CB] So what possessed you to handcuff yourself to a filing cabinet?

CB: The council. They’re in on it. Like the cops.

DEBS: In on what?

CB: The Walsh gig.

[Looking round]

A plaque. An acting pal of mine, Darcy told me it had dates.

DEBS: dates?

CB: End dates! She’s dead! Darcy says so.

DEBS: Did you see this?

CB: No, the plaque has changed. A new plaque. One with no dates on. There a mammoth cover up here.

DEBS: But…but we know she’s alive!

[Alice enters the room with tea tray but freezes in her tracks]

ALICE: DEBS! Auntie is telling you to keep Mum!

[Alice stares in alarm, beyond Debs, at the curtain]

CB: Oh come on I’m on your side!

DEBS: What’s up Auntie?

ALICE: Walls have ears. But more importantly, they have trainers!

[Alice points. Everyone follows her point. A pair of trainers are seen underneath the curtain. Everyone jumps back. The curtain swishes back to reveal a tall figure with a Donald Trump rubber mask. He holds in one hand a small box – a dismantled hard-drive of the computer. Debs looks over at the computer and sure enough there is a ragged hole in the middle of it! In his other hand, the figure holds a hammer]

BURGLAR: No-one move – or the drive gets it!

DEBS: [Pointing] Look what you’ve done to my PC!!

BURGLAR: [Insincerely] I'm really sorry - but I'm afraid it was necessary.

[Waving the box] Now I need what’s in this!

ALICE: And what is that?

BURGLAR: Oh, come on lady. The message. You must have downloaded the message.

DEBS: You aren’t making any sense.

[The figures move further into the room as he grows bolder]

BURGLAR: It’s a rush job, I know - but I really do need you to tell me what that message said.

CB: Well, at least he hasn’t threatened us.

BURGLAR: Shut up Groucho. When I’ve finished with the hard drive, I may still go for the soft option!

CB : [Backing with a squeak] He isn’t from Walsh. She would not have condoned clobbering people.

ALICE: [To Burglar] Aren’t you a bit posh to be a burglar? Fallen on hard times?

BURGLAR: Let’s just say it’s complicated!

ALICE: Let’s just say that’s life!

BURGLAR: Let me pass. Someone wants this badly.

ALICE: Why don’t you just ask? I have it written down.

DEBS: Auntie!

ALICE: Would you rather have your precious memory smashed to bits?

BURGLAR: Written WHERE?

ALICE: Why, it’s here...

[Picking up a notebook]

Here we are.

[Alice gets nearer. The intruder raises a hammer]

BURGLAR: It’s a trick! Put that down and let me pass.

[Alice rolls her eyes and lets the notebook flutter from her grasp. She looks witheringly at Debs]

ALICE: I tried. Debs, you saw me try.

[To Burglar] Now look here young Trump. We will overlook your presidency if you leave the drive here and say no more about it.

BURGLAR: You half-demented woman! This is my ticket!

CB: To what exactly?

BURGLAR: You could not even begin to…

[The doorbell rings. The intruder jumps out of his skin. CB leaps up and wrestles the hard drive. The intruder raises his hammer, more to ward him away rather than hurt him but Debs has his hammer arm. CB wrenches the hard drive free. Debs and Alice pull the burglar down on his knees]

ALICE: Now Scooby Doo, eat your heart out! We shall see who this presidential upstart is ...

[Alice goes to pull the mask off but pauses]

Wait a minute…

[Alice gives the intruder the Vs and blows a raspberry]

Up yours, Mr President! Sorry folks, I couldn’t resist.

[The mask is pulled off revealing a dishevelled Marquis of Hamilton, looking embarrassed]

And who the hell are you?

[There is now an urgent knocking on the door]

DEBS: [Nodding to CB] Better get the door.

[CB opens the door to a desperate Kirsten]

KIRSTEN: I was too late! I’m sorry I overheard Emily sending him here.

ALICE: And who might ‘him’ be?

KIRSTEN: ‘His Honour’ the Marquis of Hamilton. Film maker and wheeler dealer.

MARQUIS: Who is this little brat?

KIRSTEN: [Walking closer] Sorry your Grace, last time we met I had my clothes off!

ALICE: Marquis!

DEBS: So that explains the disguise.

[Kirsten walks right up to him]

KRISTEN: It was ‘Bored Belinda’ wasn’t it? Straight to download. I was sixteen and needed the money.

MARQUIS: Come to that, so did I. You went in eyes wide open.

KIRSTEN: I had to - there was more than me to think about. I was pregnant if you must know.

DEBS: [To Marquis] I would say you’ve been caught with your trousers down - but you might enjoy that! Either way we have you by ‘em!!

MARQUIS: Emily holds the cards. She can ruin me.

ALICE: So help us or we will too.

MARQUIS: You don’t understand she can flip an embargo on a certain YouTube video just...

[Snapping fingers] like that! She knows how to pull police strings too!

DEBS: What is going on?

MARQUIS: All I now is that it is some kind of treasure hunt. But all together stranger. This lady is turning the country upside down.

DEBS: But it’s all covert. All online based. Why has it stayed that way?

KIRSTEN: Speaking of which, your blokes have gone on the radio to talk about all this.

CB: The idiots! That is going to cause chaos.

ALICE: Not like handcuffing yourself to the council filing cabinet.

CB: No one saw. Come to that, no one cared!

ALICE: Debs, can we tune in on this programme?

MARQUIS: It’s no good, it will all be over by now.

ALICE: Shut up your sleaziness and make yourself useful.

[Alice takes a screwdriver from a drawer and hands it to the Marquis]

You can jolly well put that hard drive back in Deb’s computer you little vandal!

DEBS: [Fiddling with her phone] I can get it on my phone. What’s show is it, Kirst?

KIRSTEN: It’s the local hospital Drive Time show. I think the guy’s name is Tim?

CB: I know Tim. I used to radio ham with him.

KIRSTEN: [Vague] Is that so?

[CB takes Deb’s phone]

CB: Here - I’ll find it.

ALICE: I’ll switch on the blue rinse speaker.

DEBS: Tooth!

ALICE: Tooth?

MARQUIS: Blue tooth.

ALICE: [To Marquis] Trust you to know something blue!

[Debs leaves CB to fiddle with phone and switches on a speaker on a book case. There is a warble and the show comes across clearly on the speakers. An elderly voice halts them all]

VOICE: Ah at last. You worked it out, eh Alice? You always were a game bird. So we’re all here. My two intrepid boys. My two intrepid girls. That scarecrow from the rail hut. The naughty public schoolboy. At last I have your attention!

END OF EPISODE TEN: 14/12/18

FACT FILE

Writing on this chapter was very delayed due to a rush of final work on a book that I was writing and Paul contributed to (submitting his piece in 2014) called Life After…Magnet Memories. With the manuscript submitted in mid-November, I was then free to work on chapter ten, completing the first draft on 14^th December 2018. This far into the story I re-read the last four chapters to ensure continuity points were maintained. I was keen to use the radio interview to brings things to a head and use Emily’s pursuit using the erstwhile disgraced Marquis in a slightly more dramatic way (despite the humour). The Groucho Marx disguise originated from a conversation I had with my sister in the summer (as desperate light relief after arranging our mum’s funeral) critically dissecting The Teddy Bear’s picnic and pondering what disguise the narrator suggests people take to spy on the picnic! I was also keen to develop the plot points we have learnt so far. In addition to Paul’s more recent experience with radio, I was a hospital radio DJ myself in 1997 and, like Tim, was faced with some internal resistance to the show I presented.