A WOMAN FOR ALL REASONS
BY PAUL CHANDLER AND NICK GOODMAN
EPISODE FOUR: "IF YOU GO DOWN TO THE WOODS TODAY..."
BY NICK GOODMAN
MAIN CHARACTERS
MATTHEW - AN ASSISTANT LIBRARIAN
BOB - A DEPUTY THEATRE MANAGER
DEBS - BOB'S WIFE
AUNTIE ALICE - DEB'S AUNT
EMILY - SENIOR LIBRARY CLERK
KIRSTEN - LIBRARY CLERK
OTHER CHARACTERS - TO BE UPDATED SOON
THE STORY SO FAR:
MATTHEW IS TRYING TO HELP HIS BEST FRIEND, BOB, THROUGH A WRITER'S BLOCK - INVOLVING HIM IN A LOCAL MYSTERY INVOLVING AN INHABITANT WHO POSSIBLY APPEARS TO BE OVER-150 YEARS OLD... THEY BEGIN TO PIECE TOGETHER A NUMBER OF CLUES BY SPEAKING TO A RATHER ECCENTRIC LIBRARIAN CALLED EMILY - MEANWHILE, BOB'S WIFE - DEBS - ISN'T COPING SO WELL WITH HER HUSBAND GALLIVANTING AROUND THE TOWN AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT...
Note: Scene 10 takes place between scenes 8 and 9. From therein on it continues from the cliff-hanger to scene 9...
SC. 10. INT. REFERENCE LIBRARY. NIGHT
(Emily is locking
up the library, logging off computers and turning off lights. She picks up one
of her pamphlets on Walsh. She stares at the picture of Walsh, touches it and
then flinches. A work- deadened Kirsten trudges into the Reference library,
IPod earphones in her ears)
KIRSTEN:
Cheers then Em. See you Friday.
EMILY:
One moment
(Tapping her
pamphlet she rounds on Kirsten)
What
are you doing this evening?
KIRSTEN:
“Bake Off” I suppose.
EMILY:
And?
KIRSTEN:
White Lightening.
EMILY:
Catch it on I-player. “Bake Off” I mean
KIRSTEN:
Uh?
EMILY:
I need your help.
KIRSTEN:
I haven’t got any money.
EMILY:
I’ve just paid you!
KIRSTEN:
That’s only cos Neville’s off.
EMILY: It’s the same money, girl. Look,
I need to go and check something. It’s all to do with that big project I
mentioned to you. Remember?
KIRSTEN:
But you said you had two crazy blokes helping you do that.
EMILY: (Pulling on her coat) Yes. But I’ve been thinking. Those two
pitching up this afternoon has changed things.
KIRSTEN:
What two?
EMILY:
Well. The ones you brought to me. You know, Mrs Matt and the old girl.
KIRSTEN:
Oh yeah.
EMILY:
They were going after Matt and Bob. Too many people are muscling in on
this. Maybe it’s time I got a piece of the action. Or at least watched it.
(to
Kirsten) Come on.
KIRSTEN:
Must I go?
EMILY:
Yes.
KIRSTEN:
What about my Mum?
EMILY:
No, just the two of us.
KIRSTEN:
No, I mean what do I tell her?
EMILY:
Text her.
KIRSTEN:
She’ll kill me!
EMILY:
Then ensure you have witnesses for your demise. Because its witnesses we
need. Witnesses like you and I. Now come on..
(Emily departs.
Kirsten follows, none too happy)
SC. 11. EXT. VIADUCT AND WOODS. NIGHT.
(As before. Debs
and Alice are stood over the huddled, faced down form of the body)
DEBS:
What the hell do we do? We can’t just leave it!
ALICE:
Have you thought it might be Matt or Bob? At least turn it over and see.
DEBS: Oh I can’t do that. Maggots and
everything. Bleurgh! Surely it can’t be them.
(The door to CB’s
shack crashes open, a fierce radio oscillation is heard. Over it, Mat’s
insistent hissing voice)
MATT:
Debs! Get away from him!
(Matt and Bob
emerge from the shack, on the ground wriggling, their “wee willy winky” lamp
fame spluttering in the night breeze)
ALICE:
Thank God for that. What are you doing down there?
BOB:
Quiet! Don’t wake him up!
DEBS:
Who?
MATT:
It’s a long story. Now get away from him.
DEBS: (Now irritated) You and your bloody mysteries!! Stop this at once!!
(Before Alice can
stop her, Debs turns over the body. The muddied, Kim Newman –like face of CB is
seen)
So
who the hell is this? (To Mat and Bob)
What have you done??!!
BOB: It’s CB.
ALICE:
Oh I was expecting someone in a suit. Like that CJ on the telly. Do you
remember Reggie Perrin?
DEBS: Auntie
please!
(CB’s eyes snap
open and he exhales heavily. Debs shrieks and jumps up. CB reaches out for her)
MATT:
(Getting to his feet) Get into
the woods, all of you!!!
(Matt, Bob, Alice
and Debs all run into the adjacent foliage. The candle held by Bob finally
gives out, plunging them into moonlight only. They look out to see CB stalking
the entrance to the shack)
CB:
I know you’re out there! I know what you want. You can’t have it!!!
BOB:
All we asked for was tea!
ALICE:
Nice company you keep boys!
BOB: (To Debs and Alice) What are you doing here?? It’s
dangerous!
DEBS:
That why we came. What have you got yourselves into?
MATT:
If you’d only given us a little longer we would have found out what we
were after.
BOB:
How did you find us?
ALICE:
Emily! Now there’s a Minx. She sent you down here I understand….
(CB now struts and
growls like an animal..)
To
that freak!
MATT:
Geek not freak. He just collects radio bits.
DEBS:
But look at him! I know there’s a moon tonight but that’s milking it!
BOB:
We only asked him a question!
ALICE:
What happened to him?
MATT:
We haven’t got a clue!
DEBS:
(Still in shock, shouting at Matt)
What have you got my Bob into??! I leave
you both alone for a couple of nights and its being locked in cupboards by mad
women and now this!!!
(Everyone shushes
Debs. CB turns sharply in their direction)
CB:
(Voice now plummy) Sneak thieves! Teach you to scrump on my land. Sabre!
Titan! See them off!
(Fierce barking is
heard, slavering, panting, something crushing the undergrowth)
ALICE:
Dogs!
BOB:
Where did they come from? He was totally alone.
MATT:
Who cares, let’s get moving.
(CB is now strutting
up and down like a sentry, giving the Scouting “Dib Dib” salute)
CB:
Is nothing scared?
(Alice, Debs, Bob
and Matt crash through the forest in near pitch darkness. As they stumble
through they keep their dialogue going)
DEBS:
I can’t see a dam thing. Stay close to me, Auntie.
BOB:
Honestly Debs why did you have to go and spy on me. Is there really no
part of my life I can keep to myself?
ALICE:
Don’t you have a go at Debs. She was worried sick about you. Good job I
came to help her.
BOB:
If you two hadn’t interfered..
ALICE:
You and Matthew would be cowering in that shed in fear for your lives!!
MATT:
Instead of which we are running from dogs in fear of our lives!!
ALICE:
The days of Barbara Woodhouse are long gone. No manners dogs these days!
MATT:
(Hitting something) Oww!! (Pause)
I’ve hurt myself by the way!
BOB:
Where are you?
MATT:
Hanging over a log I think. Whatever it I, Is walked smack into it. It
hurt!
BOB:
Everyone stop!
DEBS:
Oh hell, its pitch dark!
BOB:
Talk to me, Matt. I’ll follow your voice. Let me know when I’m close.
MATT:
(Singing) “Move closer. Move
your body real close to mine…”
DEBS:
Oh get a room boys!
(Someone’s phone
goes off. Bob answers. It must be Bob’s)
BOB: Hello yes.
(Annoyed) Mr Whittaker I did tell you I
wasn’t working tonight! I always have Wednesday nights off. So will you not
ringing me? Yes I’m sorry too.
(Bob hangs up)
No
delivery drivers tonight so guess who gets called at this hour! Typical! Are
you okay now Matt?
MATT:
I’m okay. Look Bob, I’ve been thinking….
ALICE:
A little late in the day for that..
MATT:
What actually has happened to
CB?
BOB:
He’s become a lunatic!
MATT:
But why?
BOB:
Well it must have been the séance.
DEBS:
Oh look! My watch illuminates if you press that. Do you know it’s gone
midnight!
MATT:
There was no séance! He just lit a candle, turned out the lights and
switched on the radio.
BOB:
Maybe that’s all it takes.
ALICE:
Let’s get a move on, fellas. I can hear those yappers coming nearer.
MATT: (Hitting into Bob) Oh sorry Bob, you were nearer than
I thought.
(Everyone starts
moving off again only slower)
(To Bob) But seriously, what is he doing?
Growling, prowling, marching. He isn’t exactly channelling an old woman. There is
a rational explanation somewhere..
BOB:
Well thank you, Richard Dawkins!
MATT:
What’s that supposed to mean?
BOB: It does seem a bit of shame you
know. We have spent decades writing about aliens, monsters, pirates, ghosts,
fairies..
MATT:
(Hurriedly) You wrote about
fairies mate! I had nothing to do with that!
BOB:
…And the moment we get something that is beyond our ken, you come over
all rational!
MATT:
I’m simply saying it doesn’t make sense. The dots don’t join up.
ALICE:
Will you two keep it down! You’re yapping more than those doggies!
DEBS: Look over there! We’re reaching
the end of the forest. There’s a bridge!
ALICE:
Thank Heavens. I’m quite a fit old bird but this running was killing me
I have to say.
(The group can now
just about see each other as the moonlight breaks through)
MATT:
(Grabbing Bob) Of course! The
radio!!
BOB:
Come again?
MATT:
Ultrasonics. Some kind of signal that set him off.
BOB:
How can we prove that, Professor?
(Debs and Alice hug
each other as they reach the clearing)
ALICE:
You realise, love, it’s a long walk back to the car
(All running across
to the bridge and start mounting it)
BOB: (Calling after
them) Well if Einstein
here is right, we need to go back through the woods the other way and get back
to the hut.
DEBS:
What! Are you crazy? This is our only chance to get into the streets!
What about the dogs?
BOB: (Smiling, catching on) What dogs? We heard noises but….
(Reaching the top
of the bridge, Bob looks down towards the forest)
Look
down there.
(Debs and Alice do
indeed look)
MATT: (To Debs
and Alice) No woofers!
BOB: (To himself)
Ultrasonics!
SC.12. INT.
BADGER WATCH ENCLOSURE. NIGHT
(Dressed in black,
Emily is sat in a badger-watch encampment which has now been abandoned. She is
looking through an observation hatch with binoculars. Kirsten is behind her,
cold and depressed where a short coat and a woolly hat. She is examining the
walls. There so a damp- puckered photocopied picture of a dead badger
cellotaped on one wall. Below it is the melted remains of a candle)
KIRSTEN:
Oh look Em. Poor little badger.
EMILY:
(Without turning round) There
is nothing little about a badger, young Kirsten. There ginormous buggers.
KIRSTEN:
Is this where people used to watch them at night?
EMILY:
Correct. Until the last cull. That’s how I knew about this place. From
the Marquis. A perfect spot to keep our own watch.
KIRSTEN:
Did he watch them?
EMILY:
No, he organised the cull.
KIRSTEN:
Heartless bastard.
EMILY:
Correction, gutless bastard. Hamilton ran out on me. Unlike these little
heroes. Now, do be quiet.
(Kirsten joins
Emily at the hatch)
KIRSTEN:
Have you actually seen anything yet?
EMILY:
Oh yes.
KIRSTEN:
And?
EMILY:
Tantalising But I was right to come down here. The women have arrived.
They, Matt and Bob launched into the wood like the Devil himself was after
them. Can’t see why. And over there, I perceive, is CB himself!
KIRSTEN:
Who?
EMILY:
Keep up, child. The character I sent them down here to meet.
KIRSTEN:
Can I have a look?
(Emily passes the binoculars
to Kirsten)
What
the F…???
EMILY:
Quite.
KIRSTEN:
What’s he doing?
EMILY:
Marching.
KIRSTEN:
What’s that noise he’s making?
EMILY:
“The Happy Wanderer”. It’s the traditional anthem of the Boy Scouts.
(Struck by a
thought)
Boy
Scouts!
(Fishing out her pamphlet)
Walsh!
Scouts! That could be a clue.
(Snatching the binoculars
back from Kirsten, and looking out of the hatch once more)
Exciting
isn’t it?
KIRSTEN:
(Pulling down her hat and crossing
her arms) No, its fecking boring!
You’ve got another hour then I’m pissing off, boss or no boss. And stop calling
me “girl”, or “child” or “young”. That’s Granny talk. You’re probably only a
bit older than me.
EMILY:
(Still glued to the CB scenario) Two years, nine months and four days to be
precise. According to your record card. The joys of a photographic memory.
KIRSTEN:
How did you know that’s CB? You told me you hadn’t met him.
EMILY:
That is the shack I sent them to.
KIRSTEN:
I’m scared Em. He looks a real nutter.
EMILY:
Just hold it together and we can be at the centre of a real wow. That
will get you noticed more than your spiky hair. At the moment the only kiss you
get is on your T shirt..
KIRSTEN:
Your mad blokes have pushed off. Why can’t we?
EMILY:
Look at him. CB is expecting them to come back. I know Matt will want to know more. They are
coming back I know it. Something else
has to happen before the night is done.. I must know what!
(Kirsten yawns. It’s
way past her bed time)
(Matt, Bob, Debs
and Alice are now in “Famous Five” mode. Matt’s theory has now galvanized them
all and they are no longer tired. They edge round the back of the shack. Strains
of “Jerusalem” can be heard sung by CB)
MATT:
(Whispering to the others) We slip past him. First me, then Bob, then
Debs. Alice, this could be dangerous.
BOB: You stay here Auntie. I’d never
forgive myself if something happened to you.
ALICE:
Rubbish. Neither of you know how to fight off this weirdo. You need me.
DEBS:
Never mind about me being in danger!
BOB:
(To Debs) Okay, you stay here
and we’ll take Auntie...
DEBS:
I’d never forgive myself if
something happened to Auntie...
MATT:
Oh for Heaven’s sake, no one is hitting anyone. We are just going to
slip past behind him, turn of his radio an break the connection. Right?
DEBS:
MATT: Right }
ALICE:
(They all move
round the front of the shack, Debs and Alice one side, Matt and Bob the other.
CB stands like Britannia, faced away from the shack, singing the last verse of “Jerusalem”,
unaware his guests have returned. As Bob enters his foot hits the ubiquitous
dead kettle. CB swings round to confront
them)
CB: Oh no you don’t! My favourite channel.
They’re no I-player for this show!
MATT: (At
the radio) Bring
back “Closedown”, that’s what I say.
(The radio is
turned off, the crackling stops. CB gasps and slumps to the ground)
ALICE:
(Looking down at CB) And
whilst you’re at it, National Service.
Anti-social layabout.
MATT:
We did bring this on ourselves.
(CB wakes groggily.
Matt goes to help him. Alice goes over to the crystal set and looks thoughtfully
at it)
CB: What the hell happened? What
time is it?
(Feeling his mud-encrusted
moustache)
I’ve
really got to change the filter on that kettle!!!
DEBS:
Good luck finding a filter in this lot.
(Suddenly alarmed)
Aunty,
what are you doing? Move away from that!
(Alice suddenly
turns the radio back on and adjusts it)
ALICE:
It’s alright, it’s another channel. I want to try something.
CB:
(To Alice) Hey, what are you
doing to Crystal?
(A new warble – like
Morse code – emits from the radio)
ALICE:
(With a knowing smile) You’re out
there somewhere. I know you don’t I? No use hiding.
(Everyone is transfixed
at this)
END OF CHAPTER 4
There
had been a bit of delay between Chapters 3 and 4. This was partly due to other project
commitments, work and visiting a very old school friend. My work on it finally
began on the 21s September 2016. I decided that what we needed was a bit of a
run-around episode. This was a similar way of thinking to Lee Freeman when he
worked on the other Paul- initiated project Aulde,
Gray and Wrinkly in 1992: a section of the story where the characters let
off steam and get some action. This seemed the right time now the characters
were established. But, at the same time, I didn’t want to lose any story
development. With the arrival of Kirsten in Chapter 3, I saw the possibilities
of a Lucy-Peppermint Paddy type
relationship between her and Emily (for those of you familiar with “Peanuts”
and Charlie Brown) and things getting too tempting for Emily to keep in the
shadows anymore. Alice was a good ally for Debs who the lads resent for her interference.
I finished the rough draft on the 5th October whilst on holiday in Kent
(where Paul had been when working on Chapter 3!). I enjoyed it very much and
felt it “flowed out me” a lot easier than Chapter 2. Finally the phone call
where we learn Bob is a delivery driver was added on the type-up on 7th
October. This was to address the question what he did for a living and was also
a parody of a similar conversation a mutual friend of ours had many years ago
when rung by his boss in the middle of organising a Dr Who convention!
