A WOMAN FOR ALL REASONS
BY PAUL CHANDLER AND NICK GOODMAN
EPISODE TEN: BAITED BREATH...
BY NICK GOODMAN
MAIN CHARACTERS
MATTHEW - AN ASSISTANT LIBRARIAN
BOB - A DEPUTY THEATRE MANAGER
DEBS - BOB'S WIFE
AUNTIE ALICE - DEB'S AUNT
EMILY - SENIOR LIBRARY CLERK
KIRSTEN - LIBRARY CLERK
OTHER CHARACTERS - TO BE UPDATED SOON
THE STORY SO FAR:
MATT IS TRYING TO HELP HIS BEST FRIEND, BOB, THROUGH A WRITER'S BLOCK - INVOLVING HIM IN A LOCAL MYSTERY INVOLVING AN INHABITANT WHO APPEARS TO BE OVER-150 YEARS OLD... THEY BEGIN TO PIECE TOGETHER A NUMBER OF CLUES BY SPEAKING TO A RATHER ECCENTRIC LIBRARIAN CALLED EMILY - MEANWHILE, BOB'S WIFE - DEBS - ISN'T COPING SO WELL WITH HER HUSBAND GALLIVANTING AROUND THE TOWN AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT AND SHE HAS CONFIDED HER CONCERNS TO HER TRUSTY AUNT ALICE... MUCH TO DEBS'S DISMAY ALICE TAKES A FAR DEEPER INTEREST IN THE WHOLE MATTER THAN HAD BEEN EXPECTED - TRACING BOB AND MATT'S FOOTSTEPS TO TRY AND DISCOVER WHAT EXACTLY THEY HAVE BEEN UP TO!
SC.29. LIBRARY – NEVILLE’S
OFFICE. DAY
(Emily sits in Neville’s office
using his computer. She has a head set on and before her on the
screen is an elaborate layer of applications including a POV video of
Bob and Matt from a distance in the car park. Another is a list of
people on an online chat room. The office door is ajar but not
closed)
EMILY: (Into the headset)
Well at least we know where to find them. Well done, your Honour.
MARQUIS OF HAMILTON: (VO)
Do I go any nearer?
EMILY: No, I know where they’ll
go. I have this show up on Neville’s PC.
MARQUIS: (VO) Make sure
you close it down before Neville comes back or its both of us in the
shit.
EMILY: That vacuous nerd
wouldn’t know what’s on his computer.
MARQUIS: (VO) Where are
they going anyway?
EMILY: A radio show. No prizes
for guessing why! I happen to know the show; they’ve interviewed me
in the past. Small-time boring hospital job. But tonight – the
world is listening!!
MARQUIS: (VO) Why don’t
we just tune in and learn the truth?
EMILY: I will be tuning in. but
you and I know it won’t be the whole story. But it would be useful
to know how far they have got.
MARQUIS: (VO) Why are
they on there then?
EMILY: They want info from
other people. We must know what other people are getting from this.
MARQUIS (VO) I’d rather
not know! Can I go home?
EMILY: How did you ever get the
nerve to make porn. You’re like a jittery child!
MARQUIS: (VO) So would you be
if you stuck in it as far as me!
EMILY: I am. The only
difference is I enjoy it.
[Clicking on Google] I’ve
located where Bob and the girl live.
MARQUIS: (VO) What of it?
EMILY: They’ve all been home
since last night. Unpacking. Downloading. The message, your Honour.
The one the police failed to get out of that phone.
MARQUIS: (VO) Oh no!
EMILY: Just this one thing.
Then home. And a piece of the glory I promise.
MARQUIS: (VO) Listen that’s
breaking and entering. I can’t afford to be seen.
EMILY: Oh wear a disguise,
your nobility!
[The door creaks open and Kirsten
enters. Emily immediately collapses her screen and expands a list of
books with tick boxes next to them]
Kirsten! Don’t you ever knock?
[Kirsten has changed slightly. Her
cocky, weary indifferent attitude is replaced with a worried,
contrite demeanour]
KIRSTEN: Sorry, the door was
open. Where’s Neville?
EMILY: Regional meeting. He’ll
be back by five. What do you want?
KIRSTEN: Er .. i just came in
to sign for my overtime.
EMILY: Couldn’t it wait until
tomorrow when you’re in?
KIRSTEN: Neville insisted
today otherwise it’s too late.
EMILY:
[Grumpily] He would. Hold on.
[With bad grace, Emily moves to the
desk alongside the computer and searches through drawers with
increasing frustration. Kirsten’s eyes stare at the computer
screen. A low rumble of a distant radio show is heard]
KIRSTEN: Emily, I am sorry
about last night. I was so tired. I realise there are things I can’t
get involved with.
EMILY: [Without looking up]
Some are born to greatness, others have greatness thrust upon them.
Others just say ‘Err?’ You’ll learn. It’s academic anyway.
The whole Walsh thing is a con.
KIRSTEN: [Softly] I
hope so.
[Emily slaps the overtime sheet
down. Kirsten picks up a pen and signs along the line]
EMILY: I shan’t be in
tomorrow. The boiler is being disembowelled. I want you to
concentrate on ‘Foreign Travel’. It’s a shambles.
KIRSTEN: Sure. I’ll be off.
EMILY: Okay. See you Monday.
And close the door. If Tatum needs help she can call one of those
muppets from Registration.
[Kirsten closes the door but, on the
other side, she lingers, looking around. All is quiet. A girl is
processing a customer’s printing. The customer is busy on her
phone. Kirsten puts an ear to the door as discreetly as she can]
EMILY: [Back on headset]
Sorry I was interrupted.
MARQUIS: [VO] Who by?
EMILY: Someone you really don’t
want to meet.
MARQUIS: [VO] Who’s that?
EMILY: Kirsten. Your former
star.
MARQUIS: [VO] The stroppy kid..
EMILY: You didn’t hire her
for her sweet temperament.
MARQUIS: [VO] Did she hear you?
EMILY: You flatter yourself. You
think she would recognise your voice after all this time?
MARQUIS: [VO] Well….
EMILY: Look, no more talk. I
need to record that show. You need to get round to Deb and Bob’s
house. I’ll text you the address.
MARQUIS: [VO] What am I doing
there?
EMILY: Get in there. The
message that old barm pot Alice recorded. It must have been
downloaded at some point. If you can’t find anything in writing,
nab the computer.
MARQUIS: [VO] On my own???
EMILY: Think! Improvise! You
are a film maker, for Heaven’s sake!
MARQUIS: I am inspired by the
naked form. Bums, boobs. Not burglary!
EMILY: Then imagine this house
is a model you are undressing very slowly. Rip its clothes off and
find what you’re looking form. Get gone. Report back soon.
[Emily clicks off]
Toffs!! One-bloody-track mind.
[Emily closes the POV application
and enlarges one with a radio icon. She also clicks up one with a
digital sound recorder, adjusts the settings and begins recording]
Now, let’s see what the boys know!
[By now Kirsten has glimpsed the
scene through a crack in the door. She looks anxious. She quickly
searches Emily’s reception desk . She looks through a book of
addresses. She writes an address on the back of her hand then leaves
quickly]
SC.30. RADIO STATION STUDIO.
DAY.
[Bob and Matt sit in the Studio
guest seats opposite Tim who is on air. Behind a glass panel,
overlooking proceedings, is Pam watching the scene with increasing
aggravation]
TIM: [In presenter mode]
And there will be some more travel news at 3 o clock. But time now
to meet my guests of the afternoon. Two gentlemen who are actually old
friends of mine. We were at college together studying film making.
That was 20 years ago, this is now. They don’t look any older.
Will you please welcome Matt Lincoln and Bob Tully.
[Canned applause]
Guys, it’s so good to see you, how
have you been keeping?
MATT: Bit tired at the moment
Tim but then we’ve had an eventful couple of days.
TIM: So I heard. Some of which
you can share with us this afternoon. Some, I understand, you can’t - for legal reasons.
BOB: Well we’re not sure
you’ll believe us. Also there are a lot of names involved in our
story. Some people might link up with others and – it could get
nasty!
MATT: [Cagily, eyeing the
glaring Pam in the control room] Well we shall see how we go.
TIM: Now stories are something
you lads had a passion for, even back in the day. You always had some writing
on the go. I was convinced you were going to be a kind of dual JK
Rowling.
MATT: Aww well…
BOB: I’ve had writer’s block
for ages now. So Matt- my loyal mate here – said lets go on a
..well…
TIM: A bear hunt?
BOB: An anything hunt. Let’s
fall in love with writing again. Let’s get stuck in.
MATT: So we went to the
library. I had a tip off.
[Pam furiously grabs a phone, dials
and is seen speaking soundlessly to someone]
TIM: Now as I remember you were
always writing science fiction stories. Am I right?
BOB: Love all that stuff. We so
wanted to make it big.
MATT: But what we are uncovering - slowly but surely - might top any alien invasion!
BOB: So it all started with the
local library.
MATT: Somewhere out there is a
lady we need to find...
TIM: Tell me about it!
[Behind the glass, Pam slams the
phone down and contemplates the controls before her. She fiddles with
them]
BOB: Everyone is looking for
this woman. She is very influential with a fascinating background.
MATT: She is tying the country
in knots. It’s gone viral…
[The lights go out and the power is
cut. Behind the glass, Pam straightens with a look of satisfaction]
TIM: I’m sorry about this. I'm not sure what's going on - everything’s suddenly gone kaput.
MATT: Rather suspicious if you
ask me. Just as we were getting in our stride.
TIM: Oh come on lads.
BOB: Matt’s right. Someone
wants us to shush.
TIM: The question is can I
…wait a minute.
[Tim pulls out an extension lead and
fiddles under the desk. He then takes the lead and plugs it into a
control panel on the other side of the room. He laughs in triumph as
the lights and power return]
[To Bob and Matt] I didn’t
tell you the other course I took when we were at the old place,
Electrical engineering!
[Behind the glass, Pam looks in
disbelief and then slumps, head in hands]
[Tim presses the red ’Live’
button]
TIM: [To microphone]
Ladies and gentlemen, I can only apologise for the hiccup. We’re
back!
[To Bob and Matt] Boys, you
were saying?
MATT: I’m saying about Miss
Walsh. Local pillar of society. A long time ago...
BOB: What we don’t know is
what happened to her. For some reason a lot of people want to stop us
from finding out.
[Tim looks across his controls as a
red incoming call light flashes]
TIM: Well, you know I gave your
story a great deal of thought. I felt it might be useful if we got
some input from our listeners. From out there in the ether as it
were.
[Bob and Matt exchange uneasy looks]
BOB: Oooookay, what kind of
input?
TIM: We have someone on the
line who tells me they can shed a little light on your mission.
MATT: Tim, you mean you told
the listeners about our mission before the show???
TIM: [Genuinely bemused]
I gave them a bit of a hint yes.
MATT: [To Bob] I bloody
well knew this was a mistake!!
TIM: [A mite uneasy how
things are turning] Well, we have our caller on the line now.
Hello caller, would you like to tell us a little about yourself.
[The voice is elderly, firm and
female]
VOICE: Good afternoon boys.
I’m delighted to be speaking to you at last. Or at least having a
two way conversation. My name is Constance Walsh.
[All look stunned]
SC.31. BOB AND DEB’S LOUNGE.
DAY.
(The Front door opens onto the
lounge and in staggers Debs and Alice. Between them is a weary CB,
dressed in a Groucho Marx rubber mask with handcuffs dangling from
his wrist. All breathe a sigh]
DEBS: [To CB] Well, you
had us round to yours, the least we could do is return the
compliment.
CB: Does that count? You
weren’t invited.
ALICE: We’ll call it quits.
You did arrange a cosy chat with the police for us.
CB: Yes, sorry about that,
Gran. That was Emily stirring things up. I was on "Planet Zog"; a radio
channel for her Walshship.
DEBS: [Taking her coat off]
Well at least we got the message. CB, do take that mask off. You’re
safe now.
CB: [Peeling mask off] I
am?
ALICE: No one has penetrated
our safe haven yet.
DEBS: Auntie, that almost
sounded obscene.
ALICE: [To CB] Would you
like a cup of tea, dear?
CB: Just a glass of water
please.
[Alice leaves the room to fetch some
water]
DEBS: [To CB] So what
possessed you to handcuff yourself to a filing cabinet?
CB: The council. They’re in
on it. Like the cops.
DEBS: In on what?
CB: The Walsh gig.
[Looking round]
A plaque. An acting pal of mine, Darcy
told me it had dates.
DEBS: dates?
CB: End dates! She’s dead!
Darcy says so.
DEBS: Did you see this?
CB: No, the plaque has changed.
A new plaque. One with no dates on. There a mammoth cover up here.
DEBS: But…but we know she’s
alive!
[Alice enters the room with tea tray
but freezes in her tracks]
ALICE: DEBS! Auntie is telling
you to keep Mum!
[Alice stares in alarm, beyond Debs,
at the curtain]
CB: Oh come on I’m on your
side!
DEBS: What’s up Auntie?
ALICE: Walls have ears. But
more importantly, they have trainers!
[Alice points. Everyone follows her
point. A pair of trainers are seen underneath the curtain. Everyone
jumps back. The curtain swishes back to reveal a tall figure with a
Donald Trump rubber mask. He holds in one hand a small box – a
dismantled hard-drive of the computer. Debs looks over at the
computer and sure enough there is a ragged hole in the middle of it!
In his other hand, the figure holds a hammer]
BURGLAR: No-one move – or the
drive gets it!
DEBS: [Pointing] Look
what you’ve done to my PC!!
BURGLAR: [Insincerely] I'm really sorry - but I'm afraid it was necessary.
[Waving the box] Now I need
what’s in this!
ALICE: And what is that?
BURGLAR: Oh, come on lady. The
message. You must have downloaded the message.
DEBS: You aren’t making any
sense.
[The figures move further into the
room as he grows bolder]
BURGLAR: It’s a rush job, I
know - but I really do need you to tell me what that message said.
CB: Well, at least he hasn’t
threatened us.
BURGLAR: Shut up Groucho. When
I’ve finished with the hard drive, I may still go for the soft
option!
CB : [Backing with a
squeak] He isn’t from Walsh. She would not have condoned
clobbering people.
ALICE: [To Burglar]
Aren’t you a bit posh to be a burglar? Fallen on hard times?
BURGLAR: Let’s just say it’s
complicated!
ALICE: Let’s just say that’s
life!
BURGLAR: Let me pass. Someone
wants this badly.
ALICE: Why don’t you just
ask? I have it written down.
DEBS: Auntie!
ALICE: Would you rather have
your precious memory smashed to bits?
BURGLAR: Written WHERE?
ALICE: Why, it’s here...
[Picking up a notebook]
Here we are.
[Alice gets nearer. The intruder
raises a hammer]
BURGLAR: It’s a trick! Put
that down and let me pass.
[Alice rolls her eyes and lets the
notebook flutter from her grasp. She looks witheringly at Debs]
ALICE: I tried. Debs, you saw
me try.
[To Burglar] Now look here
young Trump. We will overlook your presidency if you leave the drive
here and say no more about it.
BURGLAR: You half-demented
woman! This is my ticket!
CB: To what exactly?
BURGLAR: You could not even begin
to…
[The doorbell rings. The intruder
jumps out of his skin. CB leaps up and wrestles the hard drive.
The intruder raises his hammer, more to ward him away rather than
hurt him but Debs has his hammer arm. CB wrenches the hard drive
free. Debs and Alice pull the burglar down on his knees]
ALICE: Now Scooby Doo, eat your
heart out! We shall see who this presidential upstart is ...
[Alice goes to pull the mask off but
pauses]
Wait a minute…
[Alice gives the intruder the Vs and
blows a raspberry]
Up yours, Mr President! Sorry folks, I
couldn’t resist.
[The mask is pulled off revealing a
dishevelled Marquis of Hamilton, looking embarrassed]
And who the hell are you?
[There is now an urgent knocking on
the door]
DEBS: [Nodding to CB]
Better get the door.
[CB opens the door to a desperate
Kirsten]
KIRSTEN: I was too late! I’m
sorry I overheard Emily sending him here.
ALICE: And who might ‘him’
be?
KIRSTEN: ‘His Honour’ the
Marquis of Hamilton. Film maker and wheeler dealer.
MARQUIS: Who is this little
brat?
KIRSTEN:
[Walking closer] Sorry your Grace, last time we met I had my
clothes off!
ALICE: Marquis!
DEBS: So that explains the
disguise.
[Kirsten walks right up to him]
KRISTEN: It was ‘Bored
Belinda’ wasn’t it? Straight to download. I was sixteen and
needed the money.
MARQUIS: Come to that, so did
I. You went in eyes wide open.
KIRSTEN: I had to - there was
more than me to think about. I was pregnant if you must know.
DEBS: [To Marquis] I
would say you’ve been caught with your trousers down - but you might
enjoy that! Either way we have you by ‘em!!
MARQUIS: Emily holds the cards.
She can ruin me.
ALICE: So help us or we will
too.
MARQUIS: You don’t understand
she can flip an embargo on a certain YouTube video just...
[Snapping fingers] like that!
She knows how to pull police strings too!
DEBS: What is going on?
MARQUIS: All I now is that it
is some kind of treasure hunt. But all together stranger. This lady
is turning the country upside down.
DEBS: But it’s all covert. All
online based. Why has it stayed that way?
KIRSTEN: Speaking of which,
your blokes have gone on the radio to talk about all this.
CB: The idiots! That is going
to cause chaos.
ALICE: Not like handcuffing
yourself to the council filing cabinet.
CB: No one saw. Come to that,
no one cared!
ALICE: Debs, can we tune in on
this programme?
MARQUIS: It’s no good, it
will all be over by now.
ALICE: Shut up your sleaziness
and make yourself useful.
[Alice takes a screwdriver from a
drawer and hands it to the Marquis]
You can jolly well put that hard drive
back in Deb’s computer you little vandal!
DEBS: [Fiddling with her
phone] I can get it on my phone. What’s show is it, Kirst?
KIRSTEN: It’s the local
hospital Drive Time show. I think the guy’s name is Tim?
CB: I know Tim. I used to radio
ham with him.
KIRSTEN:
[Vague] Is that so?
[CB takes Deb’s phone]
CB: Here - I’ll find it.
ALICE: I’ll switch on the
blue rinse speaker.
DEBS: Tooth!
ALICE: Tooth?
MARQUIS: Blue tooth.
ALICE: [To Marquis]
Trust you to know something blue!
[Debs leaves CB to fiddle with phone
and switches on a speaker on a book case. There is a warble and the
show comes across clearly on the speakers. An elderly voice halts
them all]
VOICE: Ah at last. You worked
it out, eh Alice? You always were a game bird. So we’re all here.
My two intrepid boys. My two intrepid girls. That scarecrow from the
rail hut. The naughty public schoolboy. At last I have your
attention!
END OF EPISODE TEN: 14/12/18
FACT FILE
Writing on this
chapter was very delayed due to a rush of final work on a book that I
was writing and Paul contributed to (submitting his piece in 2014)
called Life After…Magnet Memories. With the manuscript
submitted in mid-November, I was then free to work on chapter ten,
completing the first draft on 14th December 2018. This far
into the story I re-read the last four chapters to ensure continuity
points were maintained. I was keen to use the radio interview to
brings things to a head and use Emily’s pursuit using the erstwhile
disgraced Marquis in a slightly more dramatic way (despite the
humour). The Groucho Marx disguise originated from a conversation I
had with my sister in the summer (as desperate light relief after
arranging our mum’s funeral) critically dissecting The Teddy
Bear’s picnic and pondering what disguise the narrator suggests
people take to spy on the picnic! I was also keen to develop the plot
points we have learnt so far. In addition to Paul’s more recent
experience with radio, I was a hospital radio DJ myself in 1997 and,
like Tim, was faced with some internal resistance to the show I
presented.
