UNTITLED SCRIPT SERIES - EPISODE ELEVEN

A WOMAN FOR ALL REASONS

BY PAUL CHANDLER AND NICK GOODMAN

EPISODE ELEVEN: 

YOUR WHOLE LIFE STRETCHING OUT BEHIND YOU...

BY NICK GOODMAN

MAIN CHARACTERS

MATTHEW - AN ASSISTANT LIBRARIAN

BOB - A DEPUTY THEATRE MANAGER

DEBS - BOB'S WIFE

AUNTIE ALICE - DEB'S AUNT

EMILY - SENIOR LIBRARY CLERK

KIRSTEN - LIBRARY CLERK

OTHER CHARACTERS - TO BE UPDATED SOON 

THE STORY SO FAR:

MATT IS TRYING TO HELP HIS BEST FRIEND, BOB, THROUGH A WRITER'S BLOCK - INVOLVING HIM IN A LOCAL MYSTERY INVOLVING AN INHABITANT WHO APPEARS TO BE OVER-150 YEARS OLD... THEY BEGIN TO PIECE TOGETHER A NUMBER OF CLUES BY SPEAKING TO A RATHER ECCENTRIC LIBRARIAN CALLED EMILY - MEANWHILE, BOB'S WIFE - DEBS - ISN'T COPING SO WELL WITH HER HUSBAND GALLIVANTING AROUND THE TOWN AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT AND SHE HAS CONFIDED HER CONCERNS TO HER TRUSTY AUNT ALICE... MUCH TO DEBS'S DISMAY ALICE TAKES A FAR DEEPER INTEREST IN THE WHOLE MATTER THAN HAD BEEN EXPECTED - TRACING BOB AND MATT'S FOOTSTEPS TO TRY AND DISCOVER WHAT EXACTLY THEY HAVE BEEN UP TO!

A Woman for all Reasons 

By Paul Chandler and Nick Goodman 

Chapter Eleven: ‘Your Whole Life Stretching Out Behind You’ 

Draft by Nick Goodman

SCENE 32. INT. TENTBURY HALL. NIGHT

(A large country home called Tentbury. A grand hall with pillars, ending in a huge desk with screens above it.

Debs, Alice, Bob, Matt, CB, The Marquis and Kirsten wander curiously and nervously in. An elderly man in the clothing of a royal butler steps out to welcome them all. He has long white hair, slightly covering his eyes)

BUTLER:   Welcome! You all received your text messages.

(All nod or grunt bemused)

Now as you know Mis Walsh has made herself made known to you. But she wishes to meet all seven of you in- er – person. In a complete non-sinister and productive way, you know too much!

MATT: (Gulping) Does that mean we won’t be leaving?

BUTLER:  It maybe you may not want to leave after she’s’ spoken to you.

ALICE:  Spoken? So, she is here?

KIRSTEN:  She must be well wrinkly now.

DEBS: (Softly) and deaf.

ALICE: (Turning to Deb) and what?

DEBS: (Louder) and deaf!!

BUTLER:  Come this way.

(The butler leads them to the end of the hall. Large portraits hang on the wall. Five of them at the very end are of Miss Walsh. A large screen shows chat feed. Another small screen shows shares and transactions. A CCTV camera glares down at them from a wall)

MARQUIS: (Nervously) Are we being recorded?

BUTLER:   How do you like the boot on the other foot?

(The butler goes behind the giant desk)

KIRSTEN: (Curiously musing) Foot…..

(Looking curiously at the Marquis) Foot.

MARQUIS:   Daddy should have disinherited me when he had the chance! Either way I’m done for.

DEBS:   WE might all be. Apparently ‘We know too much’

BOB:  It’s a pity we can’t enjoy the fact

(Kirsten answers a text message on her phone. She read it)

KIRSTEN:  Sorry, its Emily. “Have you seen Neville?” Derr no, I’ve finished work. I don’t hang out with the dweeb.

BUTLER: (Clearing his throat) Can I have your full attention? You have all worked hard and been in touch in many and various ways with Dame Constance Walsh. It may be far after her time, but you will all be familiar with Charlie and The Chocolate Factory? Willy Wonka? He summoned those children and groomed them to take over his chocolate empire.

CB:  I always liked Mike Teevee best. He was going places.

DEBS:  Don’t like the word groomed. It’s a bit creepy.

MATT:  So was Willy Wonka let’s face it.

BOB:  So, Miss Walsh wants us to be a little old lady in her place?

BUTLER: (Becoming slightly flustered) No, no! But her influence has been felt in the world. Things have got out of hand and she needs your help in the ‘Willy Wonka’ way.

BOB:  Are you saying she never intended to send out Golden Tickets as such, but now she wants us to help her?

BUTLER:  She can’t manage anymore. She has become an online viral phenomenon as you can see from feeds on the screen above me. She is leaking all over the place! Her assets are in danger.

MARQUIS:  Isn’t it time she spoke to us herself? I’m sure you need a rest, Granddad.

(The butler steps away from his desk, takes Alice’s arm gently and leads her to a large elaborate door to the right-hand corner)

BUTLER:  Alice isn’t it? You remember her I understand.

ALICE: (Charmed) That’s right. She taught me the piano and how to ride a horse. Not at the same time of course. Not to say Morse Code. I could play the chop sticks in Morse Code by the time I was ten. Be ready for anything she would say.

(Smiling the butler opens the door, leading to an old study. It is a cosy, war time era haven for a tomboy. Grey haired, glasses on the end of her nose, Miss Walsh is sat is a wing chair threading a needle, stitching part of a Union Jack flag. She is also waxen and completely motionless. The others follow bar CB)

BUTLER:  She has been working on that since 1953.

(CB enters behind the others, holding a blue plaque he has retrieved from the butler’s desk)

CB:   Since she died. This is the original plaque from the theatre isn’t it? She died in 1953. She died preparing for Coronation day. (Reading the plaque) At the age of 88.

BUTLER: (Sadly) She’s served her Royal Highness ever since. Without rest.

(Alice grabs the butler by the lapels and shakes him)

ALICE:  You had her stuffed, you insensitive monster!

(The shaken butler’s wig dislodges. A suspicious Kirsten moves forward and whips the wig off. Underneath in Neville, looking sad and ashamed)

KIRSTEN:  Neville!! I thought I recognise your voice from the way you said “foot”! What the hell are you doing? You were supposed to be doing the banking!

ALICE:    You know him??

KIRSTEN:  Know him?  He’s my boss at the library!!

MATT:  I would never have guessed. I remember him arriving!

(Neville snatches his wig back and folds it preciously)

NEVILLE:   For the record I didn’t stuff her. I wasn’t even born at the time. It Cooper da Cartre, the Anglo-French taxidermists.

(Neville moves nearer the immobile Walsh, almost in awe)

Her family at the time interpreted her dying wishes rather literally. She wanted her memory to live on. So along with all the business and information, they had her stuffed. Very patriotically I think you’ll agree. Every scrap of information of her life was recorded and stored. Every interview that was ever conducted. She became a thriving, ongoing, living figurehead of patronage and local business. But there was a clause in it all. We couldn’t tell a soul that she was dead. That was what her family laid down and tied up in red tape so tight you wouldn’t believe.

CB: (Holding up the plaque) What about this?

NEVILLE:  We didn’t know it was there. Someone in the arts discovered she had died but didn’t know it was a secret. We had it removed for continuity purposes.

CB: (Annoyed) And closed The Rook Theatre to boot. A bit drastic.

NEVILLE:  No, that really was the local council. But it was a happy coincidence.

BOB: (Clicking his fingers at Neville) Your office! Now!!

(Neville ambles out of the study to his desk beyond. The others follow, mesmerized by Miss Walsh’s form as they go)

NEVILLE:  Cooper da Cartre are now the lead taxidermists for France’s best loved pets. That was once they had run out of hoity toities wanting heads on the wall.

MATT:  Number one question – who are you?

KIRSTEN:  I told you who he is!

DEBS:  Alright then, why is he?

NEVILLE:  Constance Walsh was my Great Great  (Pause) I think that’s all the ‘Greats’ – Aunt. I took over from my father running the businesses. She was patron of practically everything as I’m sure you’ve already gathered.

CB:   But she’s dead! Sorry to point this out, Squire. Who spooked m then? Who came through ‘Crystal’ and nobbled me?

ALICE:  What did I pick up on my phone?

KIRSTEN:  And what are you doing in the library?

BOB:  You’ve been wasting our time, too mate! All this wild goose chase!

MATT:  You’re a bloody fraud, mate!

NEVILLE:  Stop there everyone! There are answers I need too, you know!

DEBS:  Not so many though!

(Neville sits at his desk, clicking some buttons and leans back to survey his accusers)

NEVILLE:  It was never meant to be like this. The enormous - and interactive  I might add – acquisition of personal and business data was encoded. None of Constance Walsh’s supposed ongoing presence within this …

DEBS:  Presence? What, as a ghost?

NEVILLE: (Fidgety) Well no – maybe – but I’m coming to that. Things have leaked out from that supposed encoded top-secret part of what we call the Walsh Web. Somehow someone cracked the code. When you two (Pointing at Matt and Bob) came onto the scene I assumed it was you two.

ALICE:  And Debs and me! Don’t forget us!

NEVILLE:  You were my Plan B suspects.

DEBS:  Charming!

KIRSTEN:  So why come to the library?

NEVILLE:  An independent income. I have all I want here except self-respect .

(Bob and Matt each mime violin playing)

I needed to learn as much IT to work this

(He gives his high-tech desk a resentful thump. Up comes Edmund (as seen in Chapter Seven) on the screen above him. Edmund is sat in his bedroom on cushions, live online.)

Ahh there you are. Sorry to disturb you.

(Turning to then others) My media monitor – my man in Sydney!

(To Edmund) Any clues?

EDMUND:  No, but the chat room followed the radio show.

BOB:  I knew we shouldn’t have done it!

EDMUND: (To Bob) I’m glad you did. It took the whole situation to the wire. That’s why we had to pull you out. It was the only way we could find out for sure whether you were friend or foe. The only problem is seventy-five thousand followers are thumping their phones, tablets and laptops wanting more.

NEVILLE: (To Edmund) Well its Team Walsh on the case. Catch you later.

(Neville cuts the connection and turns back to the assembly before him)

That was Edmund. My damage limitation. He’s been hyping and fantasying the facts just to throw people off the scent. He has the time to monitor events. He’s very rich…

KIRSTEN: Is he single?

NEVILLE:  He also lives with his mother.

KIRSTEN: (Under her breathe) Oh! That makes two of us!

CB:  So, to get back to the leak, do you have any failsafe?

NEVILLE:  What do you mean?

CB:  I got mind zapped by something,

ALICE:  And we were chased by imaginary dogs.

NEVILLE:  The Walsh Web contains a virtual reconstruction of Constance Walsh for training purposes. I think they call it artificial intelligence these days. This is as near to that as we can get.

MARQUIS:  Giving the impression that she is still alive.

NEVILLE:  Legally we had no choice. It was bound in legislation.

MARQUIS:   Stupid!

NEVILLE:  You think so? Take away her date of birth – and death, of course – and you have a figurehead. So, you don’t know who caused the leak?

MATT:  Frankly we thought it was someone playing a game. A treasure hunt.

NEVILLE:  Quite the reverse. This treasure needs to be put back in the box and locked up tightly.

(Pause) How did and you and your friend get in on the Walsh world?

(Bob and Matt look at each other puzzled and then at Neville)

BOB:  Well Emily, of course. She recruited us through Matt.

NEVILLE: (Taken aback) She did what?

MARQUIS:  And me before them! And Billy before me (Pause) Poor Billy!

BOB:  She wanted to know whether Miss Walsh was still alive.

MATT:  And more importantly, why?

NEVILLE:  What was she playing at? I didn’t know she had a hand in all this.

BOB:  She gave us a slide show and presentation of all that she had discovered.

(Neville thumps the much abused hi tech desk) 

NEVILLE:  Damn cheek! Under my nose!

KIRSTEN: (To Neville) You run the whole gig and Emily wasn’t on your radar?

CB:  I half expected her to be here. She stitched me up before.

ALICE:  I think she was interested in the ghost bit. The missing link so to speak. That’s why she sent...

(Pointing at the Marquis) …the last of the red-hot lovers there to do us over.

(Neville slumps down, worried in thought)

BOB: (To Neville) So it seems she’s limboed under your radar.

(He points to the screens above) Are you sure you don’t know where the leak has come from?

NEVILLE: (Incredulous) Emily?  She’s just a control freak librarian.

ALICE:  Oh Neville!

NEVILLE: (Waggling a finger at the screens) But I have gone through this network thousands and thousands of times. I haven’t slept.

KIRSTEN:  Meanwhile Emily seems to have taken over your office. She’s using your computer you know. All sorts of online stuff. That’s how I overheard about His Grace doing over Matt and Debs’ place.

NEVILLE: (Clutching his head) Wait a minute – you – she – my office!

KIRSTEN:  When I picked up my wages. I saw her.

(Neville looks increasingly horrified)

NEVILLE:  Oh no!

(Neville flips through a diary on his desk and runs his finger down a column of writing. He spots something. He collapses back in his chair with a groan)

DEBS:  What it is?

NEVILLE:  11^th February. I activated a link for a client. I activated it using the library computer!!

MATT:  Search history would have done the rest.

KIRSTEN:  You pillock!

CB:  Why then did she need of all us if she had the info leaking?

(Alice touches back of CB’s neck and makes him jump)

ALICE: (To CB, whispering) The ghost!

NEVILLE:  That I can’t explain. Like I say there is an interactive profile of my Great, Great ..whatever – Aunt in the web but no way could it act randomly.

CB:  Or take people over.

MARQUIS:  She takes people over all right. She –

(The Marquis looks dumb struck. All look at him suddenly)

DEBS:  What?

MARQUIS: (Ashen faced) She still has a tag on me!!

(The Marquis whips out his mobile and fiddles with it)

With all this, I forgot. It’s still on!

KIRSTEN:  That’s all we need. You’re a pillock too!

MARQUIS: (Panicky) Switch it off! Someone switch it off!

NEVILLE:  Too late for that. She’s been monitoring us, she’s up to speed. She knows we’re onto her. We must stop her. Let’s go, no time to lose!

(Neville leaps from his desk and heads for the door but Mat bars his way)

MATT:  Hang on, what exactly is in all this for us?

NEVILLE:  What?

MATT:  You’ve had us chasing our tail. We were recruited by Emily. Why shouldn’t we help her instead of you?

BOB:  Especially as all this was because you made a bloody fool of yourself.

NEVILLE:  But you will be serving your country to help protect the dignity of one of its finest stalwarts...

(Bob and Matt pause to think)

BOB:  That will do for now. Come on!

                                     SC.33.  INT.  REFERENCE LIBRARY.  NIGHT.

(Emily still has an open channel on Neville’s computer in his office. She has heard everything! The Marquis’ voice comes over the speakers, panicking and fumbling trying to break the link as they make their way to the library. He eventually succeeds.

   The library is in partial darkness. It is after hours and one is left – except Emily. She is rushing around the aisles of the library, books in hand. She is a state of both frustration and elation down one aisle she drags a chair to the centre of the ref library. It is there a table is set with a candle standing ready. She dumps the books onto the table and attends to a device she has set up in front of the table. It is a microphone stand lashed up with wires, topped with an old-fashioned radio loudspeaker. She then checks the library clock: nearly 10pm.

   Like a mad scientist she flips through the books, bookmarking passages and muttering to herself. She stops to think then produces the pamphlet she created about Miss Walsh (seen in Chapter Three)

EMILY:  In case I forget anything important.

(She gets herself comfortable and presses a switch on her microphone stand lash up. She then closes her eyes. A gentle static starts up. A few moments concentration then…)

Constance Walsh. Dame. Entrepreneur. Patron. I call to thee. I say I call to thee. I’m not sure why you would accept ‘thee’ rather than ‘you’ as a term of address, but you have to play the game I guess. I have discovered some details about your life. I have followed your career. My name is Emily Bradnock. My Great Great Grandfather was the only man you ever loved – as I understand. Peregrine Pope was his name. I think you remember him? You nearly married him. Your brother talked you out of it. So, Constance – I am your spiritual Great Great Grandchild.

(A few aisles away and being as quiet as possible, Bob, Matt, Debs, Alice, CB, Kirsten and the Marquis creep ever nearer to the bizarre séance, listening intently)

I know you came to CB through his old rubbish radio set. I give you my own rubbish radio set up. I perceive you would prefer to communicate through this kind of technology from your own era. You reached out to CB. You are there! You cannot hide from me any longer!

(Neville stares through a gap in the books in disbelief)

Others have tried to reach out for you since you have leaked into the world once again. A whole gang of them in fact. A nest of vipers. Family too. Speak only to me Constance Walsh. For the love of Peregrine, I am the only one you can trust.

(At last there comes a faint voice…)

VOICE:  Is that you Emily?

EMILY: (Suddenly bolt upright) Grandmama, I’m here!

VOICE:  What do you want of me?

EMILY:  To talk. We must talk. You must let me in. Confide in me. I am that Grandchild you never had.

VOICE:  You are nothing of the kind.

(Alice appears at the corner of the nearest aisle in Emily’s view. Hers was the voice)

ALICE:  You’re just a very naughty girl!

EMILY:  Get away from here you silly old cow. This is a seance!

ALICE:  You want her soul because you think it’s out there.

CB:  Sheer sentimental crap. It’s a si-developed aspect of the Walsh Web.

ALICE: (To CB) Oh do be quiet!

NEVILLE: (Stepping forward) If she is out there, she must be left alone. Haven’t you done enough damage? You cracked the code.

EMILY:  Of all the devious, sanctimonious two faced… it was you that ordered all those books about Walsh?

NEVILLE:  I wanted her represented.

EMILY:  You were careless. That is what raised my interest. I started putting it all together.

NEVILLE:  Why?

EMILY:  My family never forgot the name Walsh. I could have been where you are!

NEVILLE:  I am blood kin to her. I run the Walsh Web. In that capacity I order you to stop this invasion.

EMILY:  And disappoint my public. The storm I’ve created won’t just go away. Millions will know all there is to know. All I want them to know should I say! But I will be including my Great Great Grandfather in the equation too. That’s where I came in.

KIRSTEN:  You can’t do this.

EMILY: (To Kirsten)  Rank has its privileges.

(To the others) Since all your efforts to locate her on a spiritual plane have failed, I have had to jury rig my own link up with her.

NEVILLE:  You released the web, but you haven’t been able to control it and collate the information.  Dame Constance ‘presence’ is the key to it all!

KIRSTEN: (Angered) You put my family in jeopardy will all this public crap!!

EMILY: (Scathing) What family? A dead mother? A scrounging drunken father…

KIRSTEN: (Screaming) My little boy, you bitch!!

(Kirsten lunges for Emily but moves too near the loudspeaker. She stares ahead and goes rigid. Matt and Bob run forward to help her, but Alice holds them back)

ALICE:  No, don’t touch her. I think Dame Constance has landed!

DEBS:  I’ve phone for an ambulance!

ALICE:  No, she’ll be alright.

EMILY: (Outraged) Child! What have you done?

BOB: (To Emily) What have you done you mean!

(An ethereal smile and calm comes over Kirsten and she speaks with the speech pattern of an old woman)

KIRSTEN:  All this shouting! Calm down everyone. Calm down.

NEVILLE:  Sorry Auntie – Great, Great…

KIRSTEN:  Where am I?

EMILY:  The local library. Did you hear what I said earlier?

KIRSTEN:  Did you ask me something?

EMILY:  Do you know who I am?

KIRSTEN:  Not exactly.

NEVILLE: (Getting nearer) Auntie, my name’s Neville. I’m your Great Great Nephew. Possibly even greater. I run your business and family affairs.

EMILY: (To Kirsten) He’s betrayed you! He’s opened the floodgate to your business and personal secrets. I can help you.

KIRSTEN:  Can you dear, that’s good of you.

EMILY:  Peregrine Pope. You remember him, don’t you?

KIRSTEN: (Frowning) Peregrine?

EMILY:  You loved him. He proposed to you.

(Kirsten turns in thought. In the shadows, the other confer)

BOB: (To Matt) What’s going on?

MATT:  The séance seems to have worked. Old Dame Connie has taken over Kirsten just she did CB. With very different results of course.

CB:  I was hypnotised. There was nothing supernatural about it.

ALICE:  Your old junk couldn’t hypnotise anyone. Neither could her set up. Your mind just couldn’t rashionise it. Which is why she came to you in bits and pieces at the shack.

CB:  What are we supposed to?

MATT:  Nothing. We have to hope Neville has history on his side.

BOB:  History?

DEBS:  You heard Emily. She’s the sprog of some old lover.

MATT:  Suitor if you don’t mind! They didn’t have lovers back then.

ALICE:  Oh yeah?

(Back at the table)

EMILY: (Pointing at Neville) He’s a careless incompetent. He let your information out for all to see!

NEVILLE:  It wasn’t like that, Auntie. The modern world has computers. So much information can be instantly be available at your fingertips. I protected the personal stuff.

KIRSTEN:  Peregrine! I remember him!

EMILY: (Excited) You do? Do you remember him proposing?

KIRSTEN: (Smiling distantly) I do so.

EMILY:  Why didn’t you just say yes to him? One short word!

KIRSTEN:  But I couldn’t possibly.

EMILY:  Why not?

KIRSTEN:  I was already engaged to four others.

CB: (Hollering) Gold digger!!

EMILY: (Horrified) Wha…..?

KIRSTEN:  I lost all idea of what I said to whom. Best to leave it. I had so many meetings to attend. Dogs to look after. Scout camps to run.

EMILY: (Crying) But you loved him!

(Kirsten come up to Emily and puts her hand on her shoulders)

KIRSTEN:  Sweetheart, I loved everyone. That’s why I helped all those services. I did my bit. My country. My chance to make a difference. Besides, what would you have done with my world?

(Pointing at Neville)

Just look at my Great Great .. err … Nephew? Juggling two jobs. Overworked. Lonely. Confused. Desperate for help.

NEVILLE: (To Kirsten) So you do know me!

(Kirsten clasps Emily’s head in both her hands)

KIRSTEN:  Now it’s time you to do your bit. Whatever gobbledegook you unlocked, lock it up again. I’ll help you.

(Passively both girls walk trance-like into Neville’s still open office and sit by the computer.

NEVILLE: (Calling out) Great Great Auntie? You do know you’ll go home as soon as the link is cut.

KIRSTEN: (From the office) If you say so dear. Goodbye.

(Overcome Neville slumps into the now empty séance chair, sobbing with relief. The others move to him)

ALICE: (Looking on) Poor Constance. A true legend.

BOB:  A reluctant legend.

ALICE:  She never did get around to marriage.

MATT:  What’s happening?

CB:  Hypnotism. I bet she wanted to find out the secret.

BOB:  Pity she’s not awake to appreciate it.

DEBS:  Are they resetting the privacy settings? The code thingy?

MATT:  That and hopefully blockers all unwelcome callers.

NEVILLE:  But if I don’t know the new password, how will I get on the system back at Tentbury?

CB:  Well you wanted help, didn’t you?

NEVILLE:  What?

ALICE:  Yes, that’s true. (To Neville) You made out you were a Willy Wonka figure when you summoned us to your hideout. But you’re really more The Wizard of Oz. A little man struggling to control a big machine. I think it’s time you showed us your Willy again!

(Everyone looks shocked)

Of the Wonka variety that is!

NEVILLE:  Well we can talk about that when we are back at the hall.

DEBS:  Well, I could do with a pint after all this.

NEVILLE: (Looking at his watch) It must be gone last orders by now.

CB:  We know a gaff which never closes. Well, it never seems to.

(There is the sound of a crash. All look towards Neville’s office. Emily lies slumped over the computer. Kirsten reels dazed. She comes gingerly out of the office. She pops some gum in her mouth and reassuringly chews it.

DEBS: (Hugging Kirsten) Kirsten, you little darling. You saved us all!!

KIRSTEN:  I did?

CB:  Devilishly clever impression!

(Alice jabs CB in the ribs)

Oww!

BOB: (To Kirsten) It’s over. Neville has a proposition for us all.

KIRSTEN: (Vaguely) Proposition? Why does that ring a bell?

MATT:  He has something for all of us. Even…

(The Marquis of Hamilton crawls whimpering out of the shadows, stopping at Kirsten’s feet)

MARQUIS:  Dame Constance, can you ever forgive me? You see all my vices from your high place. I beg forgiveness for my indiscretions. I will serve you to my dying day.

(Kirsten leans down to face him and blows a bubble gum bubble which pops in his face. She then giggles and kisses)

KIRSTEN:  You know what? You are strangely sexy when you grovel. You still up for serving me?

                       SC.34. INT. ‘THE LUMINARY TAVERN’.  NIGHT.

(All back to the actors’ pub for the finale, our story ending as it had begun in a pub as it began. All except Emily are in The Casket as seen in Chapter Six. Everyone, including Alice, are downing a pint)

BOB: (Checking his phone) Well the hoax warning is out. But there will always be those you won’t believe it was. But that’s social media for you. The conspiracy theories will be fun to read.

CB:  They were certainly fun to create.

MATT: (Raising a glass) To Kirsten – and Constance Walsh. A team amongst teams!

(All raise a glass to Kirsten who blushes)

KIRSTEN:  I just don’t remember any of it.

CB: (Sarcastic) Yeah right!

MARQUIS:  Well you might have told me when you were out of the fluence!

KIRSTEN:  No way, I was enjoying it too much!

ALICE: (To Marquis) You still owe me a hard drive. Your Grace. How about grovelling to me?

(Everyone turns to Neville who is looking into his pint)

NEVILLE: (Wistfully) “I’m a good man but a bad wizard”.

MATT:  What possessed you to hire Emily in the first place?

NEVILLE:  Her IT skills were superb. She was also suitably odd. I thought it would detract from me and my activities. I also needed to learn from someone good to keep up with all the high-tech data at Tentbury.

DEBS:  Instead of which she learnt from you!

NEVILLE:  If I hadn’t made that transaction from my office! Still, I won’t do that again!

CB:  What are you going to do with Emily?

NEVILLE:  Well, when she woke up…

BOB:  Don’t tell me! All memory of recent events was wiped from her mind. It was all like a bad dream. Not that old cliché!

NEVILLE:   No, not quite. She was very quiet, but she offered her resignation fairly promptly before going home.

ALICE:  Where is she going?

NEVILLE:  To live with her sister and her family in Bangor.

ALICE:  Does her sister know this?

NEVILLE: (Smiling) I shouldn’t think so.

CB:  Now Mr ‘Bad Wizard’…

NEVILLE:  I owe you all a great deal for saving my Great Great – possibly even greater – Aunt – from public exposure. But it’s nice to know she is still amongst us..

CB:  Albeit in a mannequin.

(All frown at CB who relents)

Sorry.

NEVILLE:  Kirsten, would you like to be become my Deputy Head Librarian?

KIRSTEN: (Putting a playful hand on the Marquis’ knee) Well, I have had a word with his Grace. We have decided to go into partnership.

MARQUIS:  It’s my way of giving something back to society.

ALICE: (Raising her eyebrows) Now that is a cliché.

DEBS:  You’re giving porn back to society???

MARQUIS:  Oh no! Socially aware films.

KIRSTEN:   About single mothers for a start!

NEVILLE:   You’re going to need patrons.

MARQUIS:  It would help,

NEVILLE: (To Marquis) The Walsh Trust has enough of those. Keep the sleaze out we’re all yours

(To Kirsten) On condition we can have you part time at the library.

(Kirsten laughs and happily swigs her pint)

KIRSTEN:  It’s all coming together!

MARQUIS:  I’m still worried. Emily told me she had one of my naughty films on YouTube and could break the embargo on it.

KIRSTEN:  You believed her? Look mate, if you can’t see it, how do you know it’s there?

MARQUIS:  Do you mean….

KIRSTEN:  She was pulling your whatsit. And for once you didn’t want it pulled!

(To CB) We’ll need an engineer. Would you be up for that?

CB:  Oh, I can’t keep up with all this modern stuff.

MATT:  Only because people didn’t let you. You were elbowed out from these places. You’ll be okay.

DEBS:  It will get you out of that crappy railway shed too.

CB:  It will take some time to getting used to it.

NEVILLE:  The technology?

CB:  No, being wanted again.

KIRSTEN:  Bob, Matt, we’re going to need script writers.

MARQUIS:  I’ve got scripts!

KIRSTEN:  Like I say, we’re going to need script writers!!

MATT: (To Bob) Told you I would get you writing again!

BOB:  How will we ever top this little escapade. We’ve had sex (Pointing at the Marquis) 

Violence (Pointing at CB who rubs her head) Ghosties (Pointing at Kirsten) and a big button pushing baddy (Pointing at Neville)!

NEVILLE: (Affronted) I’m not a baddy!

BOB:   Only joking! Although we’ll never really know whether Dame Constance was with in spirit or virtual intelligence. Like Alexa gone mad!!

KIRSTEN:   What we would have in mind for scripts is something a little more down to Earth.

DEBS:  Like ‘Cathy Come Home’?

MATT:  In our old days it would have been ‘Cathy Come Home – to Mars’!

NEVILLE:  If you could write us some promotional pieces for the Walsh Trust that would be the icing on the cake.

(To Debs) and Debs…

DEBS:  Oh no, I don’t want any fancy jobs thank you, I’ll miss my soaps too much.

NEVILLE:  Well I think that about wraps it up.

ALICE: (Putting her glass down firmly) Hold it, what about me?

NEVILLE:  You Alice?

ALICE:  Yes me!! Who actually met Constance Walsh? Who came looking for these two twits? (Pointing at Matt and Bob) Who recorded a vital clue? Need I go on?

MATT:  Don’t you want to take it easy after all this?

ALICE:  No, I bloody well don’t!! You haven’t given my contribution a moment’s thought, have you? Well thank you so much!!

(Alice storms off. Debs goes to see to her but Matt waves her back down)

NEVILLE:  Let’s start again shall we?

(Alice storms down the stairs to the bar below where Graham the barman has his head on the bar crying)

ALICE:  Hello dear, what’s up?

GRAHAM:  It’s gone!

ALICE:  What’s gone?

GRAHAM:  The head!

ALICE:  Whose head?

GRAHAM: (Looking up, tear stained) Sweetheart, there is only one head. Johnny. The one that was up there covered in blood. Hated the wretched thing myself but the punters adore him. What’s Big Bruno going to say?

ALICE: (Leaning on the bar) Pull yourself together man! What are you talking about?

GRAHAM: (Tightly) There is a paper gauche severed head that lives on the shelf up there. It was left over from the previous ghouls that ran this boozer. We call him Johnny. Someone has stolen it. Savvy, Grandma?

ALICE: (Releasing Graham) There, that was nice and clear. There have been enough muddy waters recently.

GRAHAM:  You’re with those two writer blokes aren’t you? Can’t they investigate this for us?

(Alice goes to return to The Casket, but she stops and turns back to Graham)

ALICE:  No, nuts to them. I’m the one you need to solve this.

GRAHAM: (Dabbing his eyes) You? Can you do that?

ALICE:  It’s becoming a habit!

(Smugly Alice dusts off a bar stool and sits)

Brandy.

(Graham obliges)

Now tell me that whole story from the start…

THE END

                                                   FACT FILE

It had been exactly a year since Chapter Ten. Around that time, Paul and I were feeling that the story was coming to a natural end and the next couple of chapters should wrap it up. I engineered a cliff-hanger for Chapter Ten that would deliberately bring the story to a head. The only problem is it was a cliff-hanger neither of us knew how to resolve.

       During 2019, Paul and I had various discussions as to how to approach the last chapter. I suggested if I submitted a draft, Paul could develop it, making it a joint last episode. Our last joint written venture, (Sutton Park - Prison in the Sun, 1993), was written on a bench in some public gardens. It would not have been practical to have repeated this.

One of the problems we were faced was that we have a scenario that could either have been explained away by science or fantasy. Going completely one way or the other could have disappointed. My solution was a mixture with a single question still hanging in the air. As it was still untitled, I offered a working title of A Woman for All Reasons.

My draft Chapter Eleven began writing (in long hand) on Saturday 14^th December 2019. I was resolved to use an established character as the force behind events. The unveiling of Neville was a gentle nod to Scooby Doo. His elusiveness led me to believe he would be a good reveal. I returned Edmund from Chapter Seven. I felt there were hints there that suggested he was a little more than just an interested member of the public and had powerful connections. The only question left was – was Constance Walsh’s ghost available online? Or did the website have a side effect? The thought I would return The Luminary Tavern for everyone to assess the situation. This way we finished as we began with a talk in a pub. Paul had suggested Bob and Matt getting a call that might lead to another mission. I have here offered a slight variation on this with Aunt Alice going solo on his own mission!

Stopping only to listen to The Festival of Nine Lessons and Carols on the radio, I completely my long hand first draft on Christmas Eve 2019 at 5.15pm. I spent the Christmas break typing up the draft and re-reading the previous chapters. I had approached the chapter by getting down the solution in writing as I saw it before tweaking things after re-reading the previous scripts. The other way around I considered might have put me off with too many challenges.

I think the end result is a fun caper which never quite got as far fetched as both Paul and I are capable of going.